|Role|| Accountant for Superjail (current)|
Moneyman for the Mafia (former)
|Voiced by||Teddy Cohn|
|In episode(s)||All episodes|
Jared is Superjail's accountant, who keeps the books straight. Although accounting is his area of expertise, he often unwillingly attends to The Warden's schemes. Jared was previously a Superjail inmate until the Warden offered him a working position in exchange for him not having to serve his sentence. Along with the Warden, Jailbot, and Alice, Jared comprises one-fourth of Superjail's primary work force.
Jared is voiced by Teddy Cohn.
Before he began working at Superjail, Jared was originally a man who was always down on his luck, suffering from a gambling and drinking addiction which often got him into trouble whenever he had suffered a major fail. At some point, he came into contact with the Mafia and worked with them as a money man, resulting in his arrest and subsequent jail sentence. Before boarding the prison bus, Jared profusely protested that he did not know that he was working for the mafia, to no avail. Luckily for him, the bus would be taken to Superjail.
After arriving at Superjail, The Warden told the prisoners that they were to live out their sentences at his jail rather than a "pathetic" normal jail. As he was speaking, some of the traps began to malfunction, much to his ire, and Jared then offered the Warden some working and financial tips that would fix up the prison. Impressed by Jared's intelligence, The Warden offered him the job as his assistant and accountant as a means of commuting his sentence. Noticing a perverted inmate making advances towards him, Jared accepted in a heartbeat. Based on "The Superjail Six", Jared's imprisonment and subsequent employment apparently occurred during Superjail's first year of operation.
Due to his very prim, proper and orderly personality, Jared often clashes with The Warden. However, the Warden completely dominates Jared, abusing him in almost every sense of the word. As a result, Jared seems to be stressing over something almost every minute and seems to have very low self-esteem. However, he has been known to snap on occasion, and he takes much offense to being called a failure.
Jared seems to have issues with depression (for the past fifteen years, according to Jared himself in "Don't Be a Negaton"), and has apparently suffered from every possible addiction that exists, according to the creators of the show. According to the books he has read, presumably about his depression or his situation, he craves the abuse. He is left-handed, and extremely adept at performing magic, having practiced since he went sober.
He teeters on the brink of insanity, which can often be viewed through vivid hallucinations that display sweet snacks and potables (or alcoholic beverages) displaying anthropomorphic characteristics. No matter how much The Warden abuses him, Jared nonetheless wants to think of him as a friend.
Throughout the series, Jared appears to be a recovering addict from pretty much everything, including:
- Fast food
- Peer pressure
As his employer, Jared looks up to The Warden; he is generally submissive towards him and pledges to always serve and obey him, despite the way The Warden treats him. Often, he is worried that the Warden will cook up another terrible idea and invariably get hurt. In the episode "Dream Machine", Jared's bizarre dream depicts him taking over The Warden's position, with The Warden being his submissive assistant. In the dream, Jared forces The Warden to make out with him, suggesting some suppressed feelings for him.
Jared will sometimes show that he isn't fully loyal to the Warden. He has his limits when it comes to the Warden's antics and isn't above on physically lashing out on him. In "Superfail!" the Warden taunts Jared by calling him failure, causing Jared to push the Warden off a tower and into large flight of stairs then initiating a chain-reaction of the Warden being beat up by his own contraptions before ending it with him being crushed by one of his eye-towers. Jared is at first shocked, but is then happy when he has the chance to prove the Warden wrong on him being a failure. In "Jean and Paul and Beefy and Alice" the Warden attempts to cheat on his and Jared's mini golf game. Jared immediately notices this and whacks the Warden's crotch with his golf club.
Alice and Jared generally get along well, and she sometimes participates in his schemes, such as his gambling ring in "Best Friends Forever". For the most part, they have a strictly work relationship.
As co-workers, Jailbot and Jared generally get along well. In "Jailbot 2.0" he expresses regret for having the malfunctioning Jailbot replaced, admitting that they have all been broken at some point, and is genuinely happy when he is finally fixed.
Jared dislikes The Twins for their interference, because it always leads to screwing up whatever anyone plans.
Charise is Jared's girlfriend, and as seen in "Ladies Night" they have formed a loving friendship owing to their almost identical personalities. Jared has his escape pod set to go to Ultraprison in event of an emergency, presumably to meet up with Charise there. In "Sticky Discharge", the two are shown keeping in contact with each other through instant messaging, and in "Stingstress", they concoct a plan to get The Warden and The Mistress together so that they themselves can stay in contact with each other.
Charise briefly starts dating The Doctor in "Superhell!" upon mistakenly assuming Jared had died in the Superjail fire, but in "Superstorm!" she breaks up with him and starts dating Jared again. In the same episode it is assumed that Jared is slightly annoyed by the fact that Charise is not sexually active.
Jared has been seen being killed or brutally injured on occasion, though these are all temporary instances.
- Combaticus": As part of the Fight City commercial, The Warden throws him into a pit of spikes.
- Cold Blooded": Freezes to death along with everyone else.
- Ghosts: He accidentally electrocutes him in a failed attempt to resurrect The Warden however, he is revived with the warden by the Seven Headed God who stated it wasn't their time yet.
- Mayhem Donor: Ends up getting grinded along with a few inmates.
- Planet Radio: Gets crushed by The Twins riding a pair of giant socks.